In some relationships, you can have the benefit of not dealing with the ex-factor and the exes are either cool friends or they made a clean break and the girls are nowhere to be seen. But sometimes, there is a more delicate situation and it can be troublesome in a new relationship. There are a couple of common ways this can play out in a new relationship.
The Ex is “Just a Friend” Your boyfriend tells you that the ex is just a friend, yet they hang out casually and you often see her when you are out. As the new girlfriend, you aren’t quite sure what to do, and whether you should be concerned about this past relationship. The first thing to do is observe your boyfriend while she is around. Does he seem happy when she’s around? Does he smile a lot or try to touch her? Do they keep in touch more than they should? If you are answering yes to some of these questions, you need to talk to your boyfriend. It’s not that you are opposed to your boyfriend’s friendship with his ex, but you want to know where he stands in the situation. You need to make sure that he no longer has feelings for his ex, it only complicates things and makes the effort you put into the relationship seem irrelevant.
Never Create Drama When dealing with the ex-girlfriend, never be the source or creator of any drama between you and the girlfriend or among the three of you. It only creates trouble and makes you look like the petty one with the insecurity issues. In situations where you see the ex-girlfriend out on the town, always be cordial. Remember, your boyfriend is with you and not with her and there is no reason to create any drama. It is always better to be the bigger person and above any unneeded drama.
Talk it Out The common saying “honesty is the best policy” applies to this situation. Honesty and trust are critical in any relationship. If the ex-factor is a trouble spot in your relationship, it is best to talk it out. It is important to make sure there are no lingering feelings for a past relationship. Your ability to talk openly about past relationships, if needed, will make you more open and ensure there is nothing you can’t talk about. It is not your place to limit who he can be friends with, but if it is affecting your relationship, the situation needs to be addressed with a constructive talk.
All long term relationships hit that point where the woman starts to wonder, “Where is this going?” If you know your man is “the one” and you want him to ask the big question but not sure if he’s even thinking about it, there are a few things you can do to move things along in the right direction.
Drop Hints If you want your man to propose, be sure you have had all of the important conversations about your future. It’s likely that he thinks things are just fine the way they are unless you have given him the inclination to think more long-term. If you don’t already, talk about living together, where you see yourself in five years, whether you want children and when. By having these conversations, you are dropping hints that you want to take it to the next level.
Even talk about marriage – sometimes that is a taboo topic, but usually it’s good to be open about what you expect and see in your future. Next, there are the hints about what kind of ring you’d want. Next time you are in mall or out shopping, just casually lead him into a jewelry store. You don’t have to have the official “ring shopping” outing to properly drop a hint about your desire to get married. You might also comment about your friends’ rings that you like – they may ask the guys where they got it, or seek out the friend for advice on your ring. Though, if dropping hints and discussing the topic doesn’t work, there is always timelines and ultimatums.
Timelines and Ultimatums Some women have been successful in getting their man to ask the big question by applying timelines and/or ultimatums. For instance, you may want to tell your man, “I want to be engaged within the year,” or “I’d like to get married by next summer.” Giving your man a timeline may actually work to your advantage, since he can now plan for the engagement and he knows what you want.
However, some guys need more than a timeline. You may need to consider an ultimatum. For example, you may say “Since we are living together, I feel like if we are not engaged within the year, I can’t do this anymore.” Or, you can basically say, ask the big question or that’s it. While it appears to be harsh, it happens to be a successful tactic to getting your man to ask the big question. The bottom line is that they are scared to lose you and will likely take the plunge.
A long distance relationship can be tough but very fulfilling. If you really care about the person and want to make it work, there are a few helpful tips to keep in mind.
Communication Since you are in a long distance relationship, you don’t have the luxury of being close and seeing each other face-to-face. This makes communicating very important. You have to make yourself involved in each other’s day-to-day by talking often. And you don’t just have to talk by phone, many people in long distance relationships use email and instant messenger to stay connected. Depending on your relationship, some people don’t feel the need to talk every day, but you should be actively interested in the other person’s life and stay connected. By communicating often, you can stay up-to-date on your mate’s life and be able to stay close and connected. Even if you aren’t in the same town, that doesn’t mean you can just call to say hi or see how their day was.
Make Plans When you are in a long distance relationship, you should always be making plans to see each other. While some long distance relationships have the luxury of maybe just a few hours’ drive, others have to make more of an effort. It’s important to look at your calendars and make plans to see each other. By doing this, you have those times to look forward to and it makes the yearning to be together a little less painful knowing that you will see each other soon.
Since you don’t live in the same town, plan your time together so you are doing things that you both enjoy to maximize your time together. You also want to get the person involved in your life when they are around – be sure there is a sense of “reality” when you are together. You don’t always want it to be a vacation when you are together because one day, hopefully, you will live in the same city. When you are finally together in the same town, you will want to make the transition as easy as possible.
Share the Effort In a long distance relationship, you want to make sure that both parties are putting in equal efforts. Sometimes, one person feels like they are doing more to make it work – perhaps they are spending more money to travel to see the other person and not feeling like their mate is putting as much in the relationship. This can be applied to communication, too – the efforts to make it work must be shared and equal.
If you have been dating your significant other for an extended time, you’ve probably fielded many inquiries about potential wedding bells. The thing you should always remember is that you’re the one in the relationship- not your great aunt, not the nosy neighbor down the street, not your married sister, not the Sunday school teacher at your church, and let’s not forget your mother! While they may have good intentions, they’re bringing their own experiences in their own relationships which influence the advice they are doling out, or the not so subtle comments they are making.
Now, unless you’re the type of person who is completely content in a long term relationship with no desire to get married (if so, you’re definitely in the minority), you’ve probably wondered what the next step in your relationship is going to be. Many people put off discussing marriage because they are hesitant to know how their significant other really feels about the issue. Once you know where your partner sees you both in the years to come, your relationship is either ending, or moving forward. There usually isn’t anything in between. Change can be scary, even good change, but you must risk that fear and listen to your heart. Otherwise, you’ll secretly harbor resentment and even uncertainty towards your significant other, which can emerge in various issues among your relationship.
However, there are signs that it is time to cut the cord and end the relationship, but they aren’t based on the time you have been together. If you fall into this category, you probably already recognize the red flags but don’t want to deal with them. Is it second nature to have your basic needs met by each other? How is the attraction between you both- is there sexual attraction in addition to a genuine level of like and respect for each other? Are you or your partner flexible when it comes to change and understanding of each others’ positions or points of view? Do you both have mutual goals and plans for the future that include the other person? Do you look forward to spending time with your partner and still have fun together? Regardless if you’ve been dating five months or five years- if you answered no to any of these questions, you probably need to give your relationship a serious assessment.
So how long is too long to date? Every couple is different, and it’s impossible, not to mention unjust, to impose a universal time limit on relationships. But as long as your relationship is based on trust, honesty and commitment, and you are both genuinely content and happy, your relationship will most likely continue to grow.
It seems everywhere you look- television, magazines, even your friends- people are complaining that the romance has gone out of their relationship. You’ve heard the phrase a million times, but you never thought it would happen to you! But let’s face it- when you’ve been together a long time, the passion and excitement that you experienced when you first met isn’t as easily accessed these days. The truth is, every couple is going to go through this from time to time, and you shouldn’t feel like it’s a sign of a decaying relationship. So what should you do about it?
Add some creativity to your normal routines. Instead of relying on the standby activities you do every weekend, put a different twist on it by trying something new. If you’re the athletic types, research something that will fuel your competitive juices (try rock climbing)- there’s nothing like a little contest to turn on the heat! If you’re movie buffs, research nearby film festivals for indie flicks and documentaries that don’t always get the big billing that is given to feature films. Or enroll in an instructional class, like ballroom dancing, and learn something new together!
Try slipping into your partner’s shoes. Most of us dread the daily obligatory activities- you know the ones, cooking, cleaning, taking out the garbage, or walking the dog. Offer to cook a meal for your partner one night, or take the vacuum cleaner for a spin around the apartment. The old cliché still holds true- it’s the little things that count.
Go back to the basics. When you’ve been with one person for a long period of time, it’s easy to take them for granted. Although this is common in any relationship, don’t let it be a deal breaker for yours. Remember to make your partner feel wanted and appreciated- a little note tucked into his briefcase, a bouquet of flowers delivered to her work, even a simple email to ask how the day is going. These things are usually the first to go once you feel secure and stable in a relationship- but they’re exactly the things that your partner needs to be reminded that you care.
Last but certainly not least, don’t forget to listen. It’s easy to let distractions from work, family, friends, church and sports take over your preoccupations. Remember that your partner has just as much on their mind- ask them to share it with you. Don’t sell yourself short in your ability to help ease their minds- sometimes all it takes is a willing ear.
