Going through a divorce is a traumatic and intense experience, one that is full of conflicting emotions. Now that you have come through to the other side, it’s time to get your life back together- including your love life. Dating after a divorce is naturally going to be different- you’ve been through a marriage, you’re older, wiser (okay, maybe cynical too), you may even have children. While it may be a little bit scary, getting back into the dating world may actually be just what you need to heal your heart from your divorce.

The most important step is to put yourself out there- socialize with other people, either existing friends or new friends. The more often you do this, you’ll feel less like “the divorced one” and more like yourself again. While it is completely natural to want to test the waters right away, it is in your best interest to not get involved too quickly.  Learn from your past mistakes and failed romances- take the time to define what you are looking for in someone of the opposite sex before you even accept a first date. While this may seem overly cautious, it will save you a tremendous amount of time, heartache and confusion in regards to potential relationships. Instead, go back to the basics and focus on friendship first- look for someone with whom you share a common interest such as a professional sports team or cooking, which will give you a stable basis to build a relationship upon, regardless of if it evolves into romance or remains platonic.

If striking out into a new social realm is just too unsettling for you to picture, you could try using an online dating service like Eharmony.com, Match.com or Yahoo! Personals. You’ll be able to control how quickly you get to know someone and gain that extra bit of confidence that comes with communicating through a computer. However, don’t depend on this method exclusively; eventually you will have to venture out into the real world.

If your divorce involved children, you’ll need to be especially cognizant of their reaction and adjustment to your newfound dating life. Remember that your children have been through just as much of a traumatic experience as you, and may experience feelings of abandonment and insecurity when it comes to your newfound relationship. When it comes to introducing a potential partner to your children, make sure you see a potential of longevity or stability from him or her. Start by introducing them to your children for a short period of time, and slowly increasing their presence around your home or at family events.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re initially unsuccessful in your quest it takes just as much patience to survive the dating world now as it did when you were younger. Stay positive and don’t rush things- as the cliché goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

You’ve been trying to get up the courage to approach your good looking new neighbor for weeks now, but every time you run into him at the mailroom, you go weak in the knees and lose the ability to carry on an intelligible conversation. While you’re not the first person this has happened to, you don’t want to let your shyness stand in the way of what could be an amazing relationship. If you can’t seem to gather up the courage on your own, try these tips and see if it gets you any further.

Approach the person who has caught your interest and in a friendly and engaging manner, introduce yourself. It’s always good to reference something you already have in common, such as the place where you have seen him or her before. (“Hi, I’m Alex, I live in your building- I’ve seen you around the lobby a few times.”) But be careful on giving too many details- you don’t want to sound like a stalker!

Use the opportunity to strike up a conversation- don’t stress about saying the perfect thing. Just be yourself, you may only have this one chance to show the person to the awesomeness that is you- take advantage of it! Keep your chat to a brief one- you don’t want to hold him or her up, and besides, you may have caught them at a bad time. However, this is the perfect excuse for you to ask for their contact information. Explain that you’d love to continue the conversation but you have to get going, and then casually ask for his or her phone number to follow up. Once you have gotten your desired phone number, say goodbye and continue on your way. The next part can be equally as hard, especially if you’re still dealing with that shyness we discussed earlier, and that’s actually calling him or her. Just remind yourself that you would not have been successful in getting their number if they thought you were a complete and total lunatic. Take your in and run with it!

Now remember, this method isn’t a guaranteed success, and there’s a good chance you might be rejected. If this happens, resist the urge to run away as quickly as possible. Keep your tone friendly and offer up your number instead (if you have a business card handy, you can always give him or her one of these), saying that you’d love the chance to talk again sometime. This doesn’t automatically make your venture a failure- many women feel uncomfortable giving a stranger their personal information. There’s a good chance your phone may ring in a few days!

So remember, next time you run into your neighbor in the hall of your condo building, don’t be shy- ask for their number!

If you’re nervous about the first date, relax- it’s only natural, and shows your enthusiasm for getting to spend time with him or her. Truth being told, your date is probably just as nervous as you are.

Picking the venue for your first date is one of the most important decisions you can make. Take a little time to think through your options and remember the main goal of your date- to get to know him or her better. Daytime activities are great low pressure alternatives to evening plans and all the insinuations that come along with it. Places like art galleries, museums, and zoos can give you plenty to look at and talk about. Planning a fun filled activity like going to an amusement park, racing go-karts, or taking a swing at a mini golf course will ensure neither of you are bored. If the weather permits, consider packing up a picnic, grabbing a blanket, and heading to a nearby park for a lazy afternoon of conversation- and don’t forget to pack a chilled bottle of wine! (But remember, if you do decide to consume alcohol during the date, try to keep the drinks at a minimum- it’s never a good impression to get wasted on a first date.)

Don’t get overwhelmed about filling the conversation with witty banter, impressive knowledge of world events or funny stories. While everyone likes a joke once in awhile, use the time to get to know the other person better. Since you don’t know much about your date, the topics to explore are endless! However, stay away from discussing heavy topics like politics, religion or old relationships- there will be time for that later as you get to know each other and feel more comfortable with one another.

Pay attention to your date- don’t allow yourself to zone out and think about the Cubs game last night or the presentation you have on Monday. Try to keep the conversation balanced, taking equal turns to talk and listen- no one likes a one man show. Remember your manners (thanks Mom!)- compliment your date on his or her appearance, open car and restaurant doors, and most importantly, thank the other person for the date. Not only will this emphasize your interest in your date, but it will also help him or her feel comfortable.

Wrapping up a first date can potentially be a little awkward, so having a clear ending time can help eliminate any of that lingering inability to say goodbye. If you enjoyed your time together, make sure your date knows your feelings, and even suggest an upcoming day for a second date. If you unfortunately didn’t feel a connection, politely say goodbye, and follow up with an email or phone call to explain that you do not see a future for you two.

As long as you’re armed with a positive attitude and self confidence, you’re set for a great first date!

Ever had a bad date? Sure, we all have. Some of them are just boring or depressing or with someone that we just don’t click with. Others rank right up there in the ‘date from hell’ category. Either way, it’s a good idea to learn from your mistakes so you can avoid making them again in the future. A lot of people have nightmare stories that they can tell from their days of dating. Some of them are scary, some are just sad, and they’re frequently hilarious, but that doesn’t mean you want them to happen to you!

There’s no way to guarantee that you’ll never have another bad date, but there are a few ways that you can try to spot Mr. (or Ms.) wrong before you get too involved. Here are the top fifteen things that you can look for. Some are just for guys, some are just for ladies, and some are for everyone.

1. Pay attention to how the date is paid for and by whom. For example, if your date pays for your movie with change because “he doesn’t want to break his hundreds,” he probably isn’t someone you’re going to be interested in seeing again. Ditto if he/she ‘accidentally forgets’ to bring any money along on your date.
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2. Ladies, if you can count the jobs he’s had in the last few years and the number is higher than the number of pairs of shoes you own, that’s a huge red flag.
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3. If you spend time making excuses for why he/she really is mr./ms. right despite the obvious (and we mean obvious to everyone) problems, he/she probably isn’t.
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4. Avoid the ‘my wife/husband just doesn’t understand me’ line. The same is true for girlfriend/boyfriend. They might say they’ve broken up or that they’re separated or whatever, but they really aren’t. Unless they’ve severed all types of communication that’s not related to something vital like children in common, they still belong to someone else. That someone else probably won’t want you dating them!
http://www.girlposse.com/dating/past_bad_dates/past_bad_dates.html

5. Steer clear of people who start talking about how much they hate their mother, how fat they used to be, or the fact that broccoli gives them excessive flatulence, especially if any of these topics come up in the first few minutes of conversation.
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6. If you take them to the movies and you’re paying and they eat everything in the theatre, don’t take them out again. Enough said.
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7. Cell phones, cell phones, cell phones! People who talk on them all the time are annoying, and if they can’t even get off the phone to have actual human interaction, move on.
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8. If all he/she has to talk about is himself/herself and you can’t get a word in edgewise, that could be a problem. It could be an even bigger problem if the discussion is about psychotic exes and how all people that were dated in the past were crazy. If a person says everyone they used to date was the problem you might start to think: ‘maybe it’s them.’
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9. If you’re out with your date and his/her ex shows up and starts stalking you, it’s a good possibility their relationship isn’t as over as you might have thought. Moving on would be a good choice. Especially if the ex has a tattoo of your date’s name somewhere on his or her body. Bonus points if it’s somewhere inappropriate. More bonus points if he/she shows you where.
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10. If your date shows up with his/her mom/dad/uncle/grandma/dog, etc, that’s another giant red flag. Stay away from people who are incapable of having a social interaction without bringing someone along for backup.
http://www.southflorida.com/citylink/sfe-cl-040605cover,0,4220702.photogallery?index=1

11. Your date is insane. Truly. If they start on about nudist colonies, burning themselves because it’s fun, or anything like that, you might want to back away. Slowly. Unless, of course, you’re into those things, too.
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12. Say you’re on a date and your car breaks down, or it’s really late and the clubs are closing and you can’t find a ride home. You turn to your date to ask what to do, and he/she calls his/her girlfriend/boyfriend to come pick the two of you up and take you home. Huh?
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13. Nothing wrong with spirituality, but if the guy/girl gets too ‘deep’ right away, you could be dealing with a religious nut. Or someone who’s just plain loony.
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14. Your date falls asleep during dinner. Not a little snooze that’s over in five seconds followed by an apology and an explanation of why he/she is so tired. An actual, full-on, face splatting into the plate and they don’t even wake up kind of asleep. Pass.
http://www.southflorida.com/citylink/sfe-cl-040605cover,0,4220702.photogallery?index=1

15. Last (but certainly not least!), don’t forget the workout nut. This person can speak of nothing else, because nothing else is worthy of discussion. He/she will show up for your date (no matter where you’re meeting) in workout gear, and probably on a bicycle. Nope. Who’s next?
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